The Lost Sheep

We talked about loss in youth group yesterday.

My group read the parable of the lost sheep:

"15 Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. ² But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”

³ Then Jesus told them this parable: ⁴ “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? ⁵ And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶ and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."
Luke 15:1-7

I guess I can only speak for myself, but when we are that lost sheep, when we are that one, we kind of tend to feel like crap. A failure. Worthless.

All of those ninety-nine sheep managed to follow direction, they managed to stick with it and not get lost, and then? There's you. Me. Why would he want that?

But you know what? God not only forgives you, he will search for you, leaving those ninety-nine, because he wants you. The lost sheep.

Pretty amazing, I think.

The Broken Rule

I was feeling rather sorry for myself this afternoon when I accepted the fact that wearing cute, very unsupportive shoes to go learn square dancing tonight would, in fact, be foolish. I wanted to wear a dress or skirt, you know.. And I was ridiculously angry that arthritis leached that far, that I have to think about that sort of thing when I leave my house! I can't just throw on whatever I want, I have to take into account how much walking, sitting and standing I'll be doing. I thought how "sometimes arthritis figuratively kicks you in the crotch" and for a little bit, I remembered how hating someone is like murdering them in your heart, and I was perfectly okay with it. Die. I hate it. It sucks.
I use to *love* dancing- I still do. I loved it so much that I wanted to be a dance instructor for little kids when I grew up. I danced during the singing at church, I danced to the Black Eyed Peas on my Mp3 player.. And then arthritis happened.

But you know what I just realized? Not that long ago, we were happy because I could dance again.

So yeah.. I wore jeans and a button down instead of one of my favorite dresses. I broke a fashion "rule" and wore skinny jeans with running shoes- But I had fun! I learned some square dancing, had a great night with some of my siblings and future sister-in-law and you know what? I danced with a stranger who happened to be a male that was taller than my shoulders, within a non-creepy age and had beautiful eyes.
His name was Chris.

My Great Grandmother's Jewelry

We looked through my great grandmothers old jewelry the other day... She died when I was a little girl.

I use to think that buying jewelry was kind of a waste of money- Same thing for flowers. Actually, I still think that for flowers, but whatever.

I don't think that for jewelry anymore.
Looking through her jewelry, opening things that still smelled like her, wearing her old necklace.. The old hat box, her mothers ring, the watch that stopped ticking.. What a way to be remembered,  and I mean that. I have a box of stuff that I've attached sentimental value to sitting on the top shelf of my closet, but I don't know... jewelry tells a story.

The Adjustment

Life is a bit of an adjustment right now.

Part of me feels like a wimp because it's not that bad- or really bad at all- but another part of me is unhappy and really struggling because it feels like there's just not enough of me! Part of me feels like there aren't enough hours in the day to get all of my schoolwork done, workout, get all of my chores, other responsibilities and commitments done, be a friend, a sibling, a daughter, spend real time with God, and just live. Christmas is coming and I love Christmas, but how the heck am I going to get everybody's gifts done?

*****




 I am an optimist (believe it or not) and I think there's a lesson in at least a lot of stuff, so what's the lesson in this?

I think part of it is that I have a choice.. The choice and the power to choose how I spend this one short life. There's only twenty-four hours today and I am not promised tomorrow.. So how am I going to spend this one day?

Another is my attitude when faced with difficulty. Life feels difficult and crazy right now, but again, I am faced with the choice.
One day. Today.
Do I want to spend it annoyed, pushing people away, because time, time, time! Or do I want to love them and listen to them and enjoy them? Do I want to spend it procrastinating because I dread how much time History takes me each day and I worry I am going to miss something and fail, or am I going to take initiative, do, and practice the same for all the other things I'm so skilled at procrastinating in? Do I want to spend it dreading, or do I want to send it living?



We were asked a question in youth group on Wednesday... Do we spend at least 8 hours a week on personal recreation? Uh, yeah. How does that compare to how many hours we spend in prayer?

Yeah.

Maybe its not that there aren't enough hours in a day so much as just a poor way of spending them.

*****

My sweet little sister walked up and gave me this when I was feeling rather cranky the other day.. Hahaha!

It'll be okay... I'm okay. Just learning.

I was thinking Tenth Avenue North's song, Worn, fit today after wanting to cry over a cluttered counter. I was tired of  just life, I guess. But later this evening I began to wonder.. How can I be so glum when there is so much good?

How can I be so impatient with the beautiful, giggling siblings God has blessed me with? How can I be so sick of life when the leaves are being kissed with fall, when golden light shines above corn tassels or when pears are ripening as they wait to be canned? How can I not have an underlying joy when dad's play guitar or people fall in love or the miracle of chickens laying eggs is right in my backyard? How could I not smile and be filled with peace when God's ability to turn ugly into beauty is even shown in raindrops on overgrown grass? How could I not want to take this short life and run to the Man who sees far beyond what my eyes see, emptying of me so that I can be filled with something greater?

Lord, open my eyes to see and my mouth to give thanks and my hands to give my all.
Amen.

Call Everest Today

Laugh if you will, but every so often a few of my siblings and I will recite the Everest commercial.. "You're sittin' on the couch, life passing you by. You keep procrastinating, over and over.. maybe I'll go to school next year, maybe next semester.. No, do it right now!"
Now that means two things.. One is that I probably watch too much trashy tv, because that's when those commercials are most frequently aired, and the second is that I could certainly learn a thing or two from that.

Life is passing me by.
I mostly spent today by watching Caillou and acting petty to prove a point, did my chores, took a shower, started but didn't finish today's devotional, haven't just sat down and talked with God for a while in a day or two, but I ate ice cream, wasted time by starring at a screen and talked with a couple of my siblings. What is the meaning in that? What am I accomplishing or contributing by doing what I'm doing? Where am I going?

Matthew 6:19-21 says: ¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

So if my heart is set on earthly stuff, if that's where I place my time and my life and if that's where I store my treasures, then isn't that where I'm going? Why don't I run toward more? Toward God, toward life and love and  joy? Why don't I turn away from the dead-ends, away from selfishness and on to Jesus? Why don't I accept the grace with complete abandonment to self and let God change anything He wants?

What am I waiting for?

Luke 9:23

It's been a while since I wrote my first post and haven't written since, so the plan is to just write whatever I want to tonight.
Here goes nothing:

I'm in the middle. I'm not Godless, but I'm not where my heart wants needs to be. I'm not completely empty, but I'm not full.

There's a tugging, I guess you would say, at my heart to go for more.. Fuller life, fuller heart, completely in love with my God. I remembered Luke 9:23 while doing the dishes this evening, and remembered when my church was encouraged to read it every morning. I remembered when my youth pastors wife posted it on Facebook every morning and now I kind of wish I would've listened, soaking it in and learning what God could've taught me.

"Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."

Merriam-Webster defines Discipleship as "one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another" so does Luke 9:23 mean that I must open my hands, letting go of my control, letting go of pride, of fear, of plans, of me? Does it mean that I must let go of those things and accept God's perfect will, accept His love, and give thanks? Not just for a day or so after getting all pumped up from a book or something, but daily, consistently, without ceasing or giving up because it looks too hard and I don't necessarily feel like keeping an eye on the taco meat for my brother, and I don't really feel like spending time with God instead of sitting in front of a screen.

Deny my sinful, flawed self, take up my cross and follow my loving God wherever He leads and all for a Greater Glory. Run as fast as I can into his outstretched arms because in Him, I am free.

So again.. Here goes nothin'.